Day 24: Family Forever

Before I get to the main topic, I'll have to add some things about recent changes. I have kind of gotten tot he point where I feel I don't need/want a boyfriend-- for now I think.. I still need to work on myself a bit more before I can have a boyfriend and also because I don't want to be tied down just yet, especially when I just started trying out the night scene. But that's not the main reason..i don't know..there is still a bit more to work on BUT I do think I can make a good first impression now when it comes to new men and I do know...that I can get whoever with a little effort. (that's not in a cocky tone..more like in a confident tone) When the opportunity presents itself again though, I'll have a whole different approach.

Some issues were brought up to me lately. I was in a search as to why I felt lonely,  what exactly was the root cause of the feeling and how to go about fixing it. A few months ago, I was more concerned with having a relationship because I loved the idea of one -- having someone to spend time with always or when you need them, somebody to love, a partner, etc. I didn't exaclty need a romantic relationship, what I did need to do was strengthen relationships I've had my entire life: my family.

Sounds a tad odd but the things Ive needed have een right in front of me all along albeit not in the same form.. but what I wanted from a relationship and the availability and friendship I wanted from friends could be satisfied by becoming closer with my family. My relationship with my mom and sister for a good amount of years has been not so great, we have small talk but its not super substantial. Something I am doing now is repairing that by letting them get to know me. (For numerous reasons that are out of the scope of this discussion I had built walls up with my family)

Bottom line: Your family is always going to be around and for the most part are obligated to deal with you and will be around to talk, laugh and cry with you. Given you can't talk to them about everything, other topics can be for friends. If you have friends that don't want to be super mega close and almost like family...then you can't expect a ton from them..or try and enhance your relationship with them. The input and output of the relationship can't be heavier on one end than the other. I can't speak on this anymore -- but I have mixed feelings about all of this. I am getting closer with my family..but relieving my friends of certain duties I mentally associated them with? Idk.. but I am certain this will work out for the best!

I love my family, i love them so so much.

I love my friends as well.. but I think most of the people I have surrounded myself with don't want to have the closeness and the type of relationship that makes me call them ..like a brother or sister to me. I have so much to offer as a friend...but I guess I should output a bit less..and put less weights on their shoulders. I'm scared..but I'm happy for myself.

Day 21: Back to school list!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while -- been a tad busy! Some great things have been happening lately!

School is coming around the corner!

So it's important to map out all the essentials that you'll need!

Here's my list:

Energy Products

In particular, lots of 5 hour energy. I'd recommend to buy it in bulk in the 24 pack lol. This stuff works, and there really isn't any crash. It's better than caffeine and you feel the rush pretty quickly which is good. Also, you dont need to take the whole bottle if you don't want to, if you need a short boost, just drink half -- works for me. 

Food

(That's the best cereal I've had in my entire life btw) Get on those grocery store/wholesale store/super store sales now!! Remember to buy lots of water, cereal, plastic everything (bowls, plates, cups, utensils), yogurt, chips, cookies, salsa, 100 calories packs to pretend you are healthy, and other cooking ingredients.

Alcohol

If you can do this when you are home, it'll probably be cheaper. So save up some cash and buy your favorite alcoholic item! Fun fun

Room Design

If you want to have a certain theme for your room, might as well go to target/ikea/walmart or somewhere where you can get everything you want for a decent price. Also for posters: allposters.com has always been a good site for me.

Illegal/Prescription things

Ya'll know what that means. If you are into that stuff, well be sure to put some money on the side to get that lol. I only mention it because I know people have like.. a fund dedicated to this xD.

Get readyyy and buying all this stuff should be exciting for most people. I really enjoy room design the most..although you can end up spending a fortune.

Til next time! (No worries there are more topics that are slowly creeping up to be spoken about -- just that inpsiration has been at a low point for now haha)

Day 16: No Tea, No Shade -- Messy Queen Alert!

Lol, I've already wanted to say that --  maybe I will one day if I get into an argument and I'm like "you are a messy queen honey!" Mainly because I don't think those words would really come out of my mouth lol.

Sooo as of late.. I kind of have been going back into my shopping grind.. I have only 2 things left to get, white boat shoes and maybe some cool funky or bright colored ones!

But on to the main topic(s)!
These are las noticias honey! (LOL did I just say that?)

This summer has been the most odd adventure I've been on. Jam-packed with crazies, boys, self-development, career goals, family stuff, good times..and of course the bad times. But I do try to take it in stride and not get too involved with high school-esque drama. But eventually it always seems to find me, oddly enough in the workplace. Office politics, are something I look forward to finding out when I get a job for two reasons: 1) It's important to know your place and boundaries and 2) It's a good source of entertainment!
--Definitely be on the lookout because you want to avoid as much conflict as possible, I think I've done a pretty good job the past 3 months at that. And have.. passed my boundaries slowly--in the good way of course! Wow, work has gotten awfully busy lately! 2 days left... I'm going to miss it over there. I have grown to love those people..as odd as it seems it's a cute little family we have over there --maybe I'll work there over the year..not sure just yet.

Where am I going with this.. NO IDEA.

Onto something else -- I've gotten back into K-Pop after a very long break, I forgot how much I appreciated the culture and how dedicated some of the musicians are. It's odd how I can listen to a language that I know only like.. 20 words/phrases in but I know Spanish and don't like that music at all. BUT I have to admit, old school salsa is something I can appreciate and embodies the spirit of a Puetro Rican: strong, emotional, CRAZY, and quick.

Hmm you may ask--what the title have to do WITH ANY OF THIS?!? (beside me wanting to say it)
Just a note, if you have some messy queens in your life-- as a fellow youtuber would say, "pay they asses DUST"  haha. If you don't know what that means.. it's okay -- you have to have a significant amount of homosexual and a spoonful a ghetto to get it lol. Carry on with your day and put on a smile, or hit up a member on your A-team (come to think of it.. I should make a post on what an A-team is) and go on with your day. It's important to stay strong in your life. If you can do it on your own or need some help that's completely okay as long as you love yourself and have people that love you -- that's all that matters honey.

Love ya much! :)

My page is getting more hits! Yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay yay!!

Day 14: Ruh Rohh (uhh ohh..)

So, it's my last week of work -- yay!
The day was going by fine, I was being ultra efficient, like.. ridiculously efficient. Running around, sending emails, fixing sheets etc etc. Then I was semi rushed to write an email out, so I clicked all the recipients and wrote it up and sent it over.. what I didn't know was that one of the recipients...was not part of the group of people to email. And I kind of made a joke in the email as well..that was light hearted but still a joke none the less.. that a person who isn't a contact for that probably shouldn't be reading.

I got..  kind of reprimanded. Gosh I should have looked over the recipient list again.. gosh. Well.. it's not like they pay me, and it is my last week so.. I guess mess ups..have lighter repercussions. I don't think she thought I took her seriously when she was saying how that was "SO NOT OKAY" and "REALLY REALLY BAD".. I mean.. I definitely had that "oh shit" feeling in my gut, but there wasn't anything I could do about it and after being here for almost 3 months I've learned you just have to absorb and take it in and still remain cool on the outside. It definitely won't happen again.

In other news: I'm going to chill with a good friend today and I don't know what we are going to do but it's going to be fun! And did I mention: THIS WEEK WILL BE AWESOME
packed with bars, restaurants, friends (i hope) and wasting money (FUCK MY LIFE). At least after friday... I don't have to do anything and still won't get paid. That sounded weird, but you know what I mean?

Now: I have a job + no income
After Friday: I won't have a job + no income

see? except now I can sleep whenever, and do what i've been doing, drink more often because I enjoy liquor.. ALOT. and other stuff.. like not coming home until the next day more often LOL. Oh my mom will be thrilled.

Toodles!

Day 14: Family Woes & NYC Hoes Pt. 2

So off to the second topic

So I did something on my list, this past friday I went to my first gay bar (which some people would find that hard to believe)! Well, I think more importantly I finally got to hang out with Lisa Wang--probably the most unreachable girl in town! I'm really glad I hung around in the city forever ..hoping for a random friend to respond to my call/texts of asking to hang out because it ended up happening! That reply back from Lisa Wang at 8pm saved my night! We finally ate around 1030 (for dinner...) caught up and planned out the rest of the night. Went bar hopping in st. marks  when we met up with other friends and landed at a gay bar my co-worker suggested that I go to. I'm glad I took this risk and am glad I was with good friends to help/laugh at/save/direct me throughout the 90 minutes we were there for (or maybe it was two hours?) Long story short, there were some CRAZIES there who were actin a fool coming on to people, two fail moments for me, a good amount of older and younger men there, a few success moments (ex: making out and getting groped LOL), and cheap+strong drinks!

Overall I (and everyone?) had a good time and it was a less crazy environment than I expected, everyone was pretty chill I think, people aren't going to run to you that much unless you kind of give them a signal that you are interested. This is true in life, you have to give something to the Universe in order to get something back. Then again, there will be others who are extra forward who will roll up to you. I've come to notice that I'm a hit with older guys lol. ALSO I need to mention that I should toss my glasses and get my new contacts ASAP--people don't like glasses! AND another thing, after I had a success, my friends just up and left and were going towards a place to "find something to eat" (I have reason to believe that..that may not be true lol) because they thought, that, well, I was not coming back to their apartment Friday night. I just said, "Guys! I'm not like that!" To be honest though...perhaps if circumstances were different..things may have progressed a bit further but some people need to find apartments in closer areas. Okay to set the record straight, I'm not a ho lol, as you know if you read a post or two, I honestly just want a relationship and someone to share time with but until that opportunity presents itself again, I need to "get mine." Perhaps this is the route I need to travel for now; get myself out there, mingle around, learn another thing or two about interacting with other men, find some cool bars (and clubs) and build up my resume. 

Seems like this could be a fun road, I honestly can not do it alone though you know? (Given, I had the drive to say "I don't care where we go, we are ending up at a gay bar tonight!" Woot!) I would not feel comfortable going to a bar/club alone, I think it's weird and I..would probably be taken advantage of somehow. I think a friend or two are definitely needed(and wanted) to accompany me to places..just for mental security. And they would most likely be girls since I barely have any gay friends. (I think I have three..and two don't like each other and I'm not close to any of them.. just wonderful). They all know I'd do the same for them if they needed something like that to be done for them at a club/bar and I have done that for some friends before soo they owe me! Sooo yeah, woot for friends! A good amount of my friends are in long term relationships..which sucks for single people who are looking for just that you know! Lol, I can't help that feeling!

I also realized that the past 2 posts didn't really end up centered around woes..or hoes...well I really liked that title!

Until next time, see ya!

Day 13: Family Woes & NYC Hoes Pt. 1

Hmm, I want to be able to finish this post within 20 minutes so that it could still be "Day 13" technically! And hooray I think this is the tenth post!

Lol on to the topic of discussion. This weekend I've spent.. a significant amount of time with my family and for those of you that know me well...my relationship with my family is an interesting one. I'm still trying to find "my place" per se in my family and I've kinda felt awkward at time just being in my house..we don't talk much or do that many things besides sit around and watch movies (and not talk). I've found the most conversation I've made with my immediate family is when I've been drunk. I know that's because walls get let down and I just say whatever, and it usually works out.

I went to the dinner + a movie with my dad and sister and it was pretty fun! I realized where I get my party side from -- My pops. He was saying stuff like, "I'm so glad that I don't work Fridays and Saturdays anymore because now I can PARTYYY!" and other things like, "Well, I would still go to parties with Maria (my step-mom) during the week and we'd get back so late..I'd wake up and not want to go to work..but you know..your dad can pull through a long day of work even when he's a little hungover." --Amazing Dad, this is what I will be like when I'm nearing 50 --same old crazy boy. It's really refreshing actually, to see how he stillis enjoying his life and having fun the way he wants. He used to not be like this before, and kind of just had a "whatever" view of life and didn't too much care for others. I'm glad he's having fun and enjoying himself!

We saw "Dinner for Schmucks" which was a pretty funny movie. It had a good story, compelling characters and random funny and crazy moments. 

Oh no.. it's 11:59PM -- dammit. I blame my sister and mom for chatting with me!

Day 10: This is what happens on occasion..

This was inspired by some of the experiences I've had recently within my neighborhood just walking around or talking the bus. Take from it what you will. No worries I'm a strong boy..and this hasn't been the first time something like this has ever happened. It's just that now since I'm more open with myself, and have a certain style...it's very easy to get noticed as my neighborhood is kinda conservative? idk lol.

You get on the bus
All eyes on you..in confusion
They look at you wondering what you are
And where you come from
Homegirl is over there trying to curl her lashes
And even she can take a second to stare
But what is so different about you?
Why are you getting all these looks?
It’s as if you are bacteria entering the body
And the passengers are the white blood cells

Because you look and act a certain way
Because you dress a different way
You are instantly judged, shunned...X-ed

You get out the train station
Decide to take a stroll home
It’s beautiful outside and the sun is shining
You walk down that block, minding your own business
You encounter a few boys, they stare at you
They stare back at each other and begin to laugh
Then then continue to look at you
One boy starts to follow you and say heinous phrases
You cross over to the other side of the street
It’s the longer route home with less people
The route where your house further away
This route contains less ignorance and harbors less fear within
The boy does not follow
You feel less nervous now. You are safe.

Day 9: If colors had a taste

If the color white had a taste:

It would be tofu.

If the color red had a taste:

 

It would be Hawaain Punch.

If the color(?) clear had a taste:

It would be...Bull Penis (for real).

That's all the things I have ever encountered that are worthy of being labeled as the taste for a color.

Cheers! lol

Day 9: Interesting Question

I got a question from a friend of mine randomly, she asked, 

"Would you date yourself?"

Interesting once you really think about it right? Pretned to be a random outside person, who happens to come across yourself, or who happens to be set up on a blind date with you. Would you, as this random person who knows nothing about you, want to go on a date / talk to / go on another date with you?

Think about your answer, you'll learn a lot, maybe laugh, maybe think a bunch, maybe even cry. 

I'll continue this post  later on in the day..withr my answer I guess? 

Day 7: I want to share what has inspired me as of late

Inspiration, lately I've connecting to physcial things and music. More notably, music and I for the past few months have been connected in such a way that I need to listen to it depending on my mood. Yeah, so does everyone else I guess but I think.. it's kind of more extreme in my case. For example, some music I can't listen to anymore because of how I have related to it my mind, it would, say make me think of memories I would choose to not remember, or they get me to a certain emotional point which ranges from depressed to extra excited. I've recently gone out of my usual Pop comfort zone and have started to listen to a wide range of artists that I am clearly going to share with you all. (And also the old ones too haha)

Let's start with the things many people would expect:

Lady Gaga

An old inspirtation of mine, constantly reinventing herself and clearly catching my mind's attention. It took me a while to get into her, but once I did, I fell hard for this girl and what she stood for. The Fame was fun, cute and had meaning but I mainly related to the depth of her second album The Fame Monster. Truly magical how I happened to wrap every song around a certain memory, it was almost..scary how eveloped I was. I think every song has at least 100 plays on my iPod. But see the issue was.. that I ended up wrapping some of the deeper, darker, extreme and more tragic ideas to her songs. I loved the darkness that she brought to the table and I found someone to relate to when I was alone..it simultaneously helped and destroyed my being. I have stopped listening to her for now because of the feelings that come up when I hear her music (it was truly beautiful though), I can't wait for album 3 though, I'm sure it will be spectacular.

Nicki Minaj 

Crazy huh? I love this girl, I recently got into hear.. maybe four months ago. She hasn't come out with a full album but has featured on a ton of songs by probably every rapper/R&B singer you might know. Her rhymes and eccentric nature really got to me. It's as if she takes the mic and says "Fuck all of you, I'ma do my shit!" And at one point when I had a "fuck the world" attitude, he music just speaks to me, it's empowering and I love it. Her rhymes...take a while to understand as I've had to listens to songs about 5 times to understand what she's trying to say. I also love her style.. it's pretty crazy and very different from the typical female rapper and she does what she wants. I'm glad she's becoming more and more successful because on a good day, this chick's music can make you just laugh, knock out someone and continue to walk down the block (that's sounds weird but I get what that means).

Garbage

Garbage, a pretty old group that I ended up getting into freshman year of college. I always liked "I think I'm Paranoid" and "The World is Not Enough" and eventually that lead me to download like... all of their stuff. I listened to it and wouldn't want to stop. Their lyrics to me seem like they really do come from real struggle and life experience. Also, their sound was much different from all the contemporary stuff I listen to very often. They provided me with the rock/alternative experience that I wanted and helped form some new ideas in my mind.

Ke$ha

Not too much to say about this girl, but I've recently really gotten into her album and her song, "Animal"is really touching and is oddly quite pop-y. It's cute and hopeful but also makes me want to cry lol. Of course "Blah Blah Blah," and "Take It Off" provide  all the craziness I want to feel in a song and for some reason I like to listen to those when I'm really angry.. I haven't connected that just yet haha.

Kelis

OMG where do I begin with Kelis! I feel that I'm the only person who is a big fan of her music. I feel that people don't pay attention to her because she's not the typical R&B singer and kind of talks about the random thoughts in her head and does what she wants..not necessarily what will hit it big. And she's kind of weird and has a raspy singing voice which I like. I'm really attracted to raspy voices, I don't know why...I just find it so attractive I think it's cooler in women than men.


Now some other different artists

Santigold

Santigold you' say..hmm she's black.. why isn't she doing R&B? Why does she kinda sound like a white girl mixed with M.I.A.? That's another reason why I like her stuff in addition to her just being musically talented. Her stuff goes from kinda happy to just plain weird. woot.

Erykah Badu

The soothing sounds of Erykah Badu have calmed me down sometimes. So down to Earth and about independence and breaking through and just doing you.

Janelle Monae

Janelle Monae is my girl!! Her stuff is crazy amazing and almost had me balling while running on a treadmill. She made an album, that if you listen to it all the way through you would think it's 1 very long song, a journey that takes your mind to a place that it's never been to and experience things like empowerment, fear, life, death, freedom, stability, etc. Magical.


Drake

Drake, at first I was really hesitant even though EVERYONE was like omggg drake is so amazing. Then.. I listened to a few songs and downloaded the album, and was just wow-ed. He's has raps that you can relate to and you'll pay attention to, they go with the tune and really do send a message. Well..a message to me at least.

Spoons, Phoenix, The Blow, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I don't want to speak much on them because I just started listening to there bodies of work so I can't say I'm a legit fan, but they have so many different sounds than what I am used to..and make me feel kind of weird..in the good way. 

There are some more.. but this post.. got REALLY long.. REALLY fast!

Until next time!

Day 7: 30 Days left...why is summer almost over?!

I've been dreading this feeling, the feeling that my summer is coming to a close and that not THAT much has happened. Sure it's been eventful here and there but it definitely didn't go in the right direction I wanted it to go.

Since leaving CU I had a mission, 1) to find a boyfriend (lol), 2) to get back into shape. Neither of which happened, well.. if you read two posts back--I only had one opportunity of that possibly happening and that didn't work. (I ran into him the other day..I should have actually tried to have a conversation with him rather than semi- awkward small talk but I was nervous, flustered, angry and confused. I was glad that I ended up being coherent. Continuing, I happened to weigh myself the other day, and noticed I've gained..7-10 lbs this summer (I'm giving myself some leeway and hoping my body and scale are wrong). But that wasn't that terrible and it's really not that noticeable, but after looking at myself for a while I found out where the pounds traveled to..lol.

Aside from the only two goals I initially had, some other good(or odd/strange) things happened as well. Got a job (in the career path that see myself in the long run), reconnected with friends, enjoyed some of the true night life of new york city, got hit-on on the train (which I now do as well, dude I have skills..that work 75% of the time), someone wrote a craigslist post about me, went to my first gay pride parade, had..a 12 day period in which I think I got drunk each and every one of those days, went on my first real date (like legitimately what you could call a date), came out to most of my family, ate a bull's penis, was a mess in front of people who don't too much care for me, found out how physical things can affect me spiritually (ex: water being calming for my spirit), got my first tarot reading from a person who legit practices witchcraft, got into blogging again, found out some other people that I should/will "X" out of my life, decided to give some others a third/fourth chance because I saw a new side of them, went clubbing more often and slept some more. (There is probably more)

Sounds like a lot right? After writing it all down it sure seems like it, but after 75 days I think more could have happened. So for the next 30 we (Me, Myself, and I) are going to kick it into overdrive. I HAVE to get myself into..some sort of shape (I know that can definitely happen) and to go to at least 3 gay bars and 1 gay club (and probably hook up with someone since finding a relationship is a bit tough but we can always hope!).

Two goals, technically this shouldn't be hard the next 30 days have to be the most mega awesome days ever! I can't be sad or thinking about the past! Gotta do this, and whoever is reading this, please support me! I'm going to need it!

I fucking love this picture! lol